Appointment for the Big Pow-wow (plus a secret prize)

Got the call from Dr F’s office today – we are set up for a meeting tomorrow at 9:15 (so much for an afternoon appointment!), and a pulmo-function test at 8:15 (yeesh).  Plus, they had me race out to the west side tonight at 7:00pm for a head MRI I didn’t know I needed.  I was bummed ’cause it meant I had to skip out on a PROG rehearsal.  I guess they want to make sure none of this has migrated upstairs, if you know what I mean.  THAT one gave me a bit of pause, which I will discuss below.  So by tomorrow afternoon, this will all be nailed down and a treatment plan will be in place.

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Yes, so…   when they said they needed to scan my brain for evidence of any cancer that might have moved up to my belfry, I was more than a little taken aback.  The closer this all comes, the more real it feels, and the more I will have to be ready to hear these kinds of things.  Again, though, I found that I had a moment of being hit in the gut with the reality of it all, only to have that feeling quickly dissipate and to return to my default state, which is “what do we do next?”.  I know the people around me are rather anxious/apprehensive/scared for me, and I totally understand why.  By all rights, I should be equally anxious about what we may be told tomorrow.

 

Yet, I just simply am not anxious about it.  I spent a good deal of time at home, in the car, and in the MRI tube, contemplating all of this, and talking myself through the different variations of whatever the news might end up being tomorrow, the implications of the MRI they had me undergo, and how I might react to whatever I hear when Dr. F goes over the results of all these tests.  I’m not deluding myself that everything is going to be hunky-dory, and I’m being as realistic as I can about what the impact of the treatments to come will be.  However, I just can’t find that sense of anxiety inside.  I truly feel badly for the people around me, who love and care about me and are worrying so much as the waiting drags on.  Seems like it’s harder on the people around the patient; they really can’t do anything aside from waiting and worrying.  I suppose it may hit me at some point, out of the blue, when I’m not looking.  We shall see…

 

So far, I’ve talked all the right talk.  I’ve told myself many times over the years, as a strange form of anxiety relief, “anything can happen at any time, and there’s really nothing I can do about it.”  Now I have to walk the walk.

 

More to come…

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One thought on “Appointment for the Big Pow-wow (plus a secret prize)

  1. G, you’ve always had a strong portion of “Spock-like” ability to be logical/analytical about things. You are halfway to becoming a master practitioner of Zen mindfulness, just short of levitation. But it’s okay to be human, too, to worry about the future, to question the past. If/when you do feel overwhelmed, try this: a great practice is to find a quiet place to sit for a while without distractions, close your eyes and just focus on your breathing for a bit. Notice and observe any sensations you might feel, any thoughts going on. Don’t try to change them or let yourself become caught up in them–they are not what constitutes “you” because your brain’s function is to think, which results in all kinds of conflicting thoughts and emotions. When you recognize that your thoughts take your awareness away from your breath, refocus on breathing. Do this once a day from 10-20 minutes. With repetition you become better able to recognize when your thoughts are carrying you away to the future (which you haven’t reached yet) or the past (which can’t be altered). You become better at being, and staying, in the moment, which is all we really have any control over. Mindfulness meditation has helped me be better able to relax, reduce stress and appreciate and live in the moment.

    Give ‘er a try, düde 😉
    Your friend, Tim

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